I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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