Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
