Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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