get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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