I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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