I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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