I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
