No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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