I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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