literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
