There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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