I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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