I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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