she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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