it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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