After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
