but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
