why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
