Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
