I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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