He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
