oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
