Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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