If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
