You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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