He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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