I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
