I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
