Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
