I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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