On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
