dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
