I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
