yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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