my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
