I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
