Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
