so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
