peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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