Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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