man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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