I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
