I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
