I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
