Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
