i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
