Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
