you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
