k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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