i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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