and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
