This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
