I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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