The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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