Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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