Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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